November 18, 2012

Too common or too rare.

With Thanksgiving fast approaching and a population explosion of wild turkeys dotting the American countryside (translation: suburbs) in the past few years, I love to reflect how the world and all its inhabitants are jockeying for space:  “The wild turkey is hardly the only creature who has learned to get along with us. Greg Butcher of the National Audubon Society says, “it’s a strange era where every species is either too common or too rare.” The differential, he adds, seems to be the creatures’ “willingness to put up with the human lifestyle.” It turns out that wild turkeys prefer to live on the “edge,” botanically speaking … “

Our Thanksgiving prep began in one of those markets where, for a premium, you get a story with your food. Every vegetable, every creature and every jar of jam comes with its own pedigree and memoir.

The best of these tell how the farmer and his pigs, chickens or calves live in a sylvan idyll until the day when … well, they skip that part. These romantic tales of the farm are directed at consumers like me, a slightly uneasy carnivore and committed free-range turkey buyer who prefers to imagine her Thanksgiving dinner roaming happily over the landscape under a clear blue sky.

Of course, I am aware that the definition of “free-range” means that the turkey only has to be “allowed access to the outside,” even if it’s too institutionalized to actually waddle through a door. Nevertheless, for plenty of bucks a pound, I deserve a story. Maybe even a DVD.

But yesterday, Angela and I with order slip in purse and ready to shop, we were confronted by Charles and Felix with these facts-

Now those of you who never lived in the Bay Colony where the first Thanksgiving was held, the home of Plymouth Rock and Red Sox Nation, may be surprised to learn that in the past few years, they have had either (1) a population explosion or (2) a plague of wild turkeys.

Nationally, the restoration of the wild turkey has been a wild success story, up from 350,000 in 1950 to somewhere more than 3 million today. Massachusetts was fresh out of this game until 1972, when 37 turkeys were trucked over the border, released in the wilderness and promptly began to beget. There are now 20,000 more turkeys.

But who knew that these birds would take to urban and suburban life? Who knew that these 4-foot-tall, 20-pounders would be found gobbling around backyards, hanging out near Starbucks, and roosting—look, a flying mattress!—in the trees. Who knew they would make routine appearances on the police blotter for behaving like, well, turkeys?

It has been reported that they are especially aggressive near Fenway Park and attribute their behavior to the fact that the toms were originally from New York. I attribute their easy life to the fact that you can’t wield a 10-gauge shotgun within range of a streetcar. Their only natural enemies, if you don’t count the postman, are automobiles and the shiny bumpers that reflect back their own worst nightmare.

My tale of two turkeys—the free-range bird on my order pad and the wild turkeys near Fenway Park—is an example of the odd evolving relationship between human and other nature. On the one hand, there is a growing premium on domestic animals who live more naturally. On the other hand, there is an explosion of wild animals living more, well, unnaturally.

Consider a third turkey, the one at the White House. No, really. There is an annual ceremony for a turkey. The creature, raised “using normal feeding and other production techniques”—say what?—will become the ??th of the breed to receive a presidential pardon, although it is unclear what crime he committed.

When the ceremony is over, what is the fate of the liberated poultry? It’s something that would make Jon Stewart’s writers long to cross the picket line. This turkey will be flown. First class. To Disney World. There, he will live out his, um, natural days as an exhibit in the backyard of Mickey’s Country House in Magic Kingdom Park. Meanwhile, the president will undoubtedly be dining on another free-range turkey.

When it comes to figuring out our place in nature, I have begun to think that we’re all living on the edge. Maybe Ben Franklin was right when he said that the wild turkey—not the bald eagle—should be America’s national bird.

After all, the eagle, in all of its restored glory, soars majestically above the fray. But the turkey is down here, gobbling, squabbling and flourishing, while we try to figure out our place in the pecking order.

Happy Thanksgiving.

November 1, 2012

The Debilitating Effect of Big Numbers.

In the past three days I had plenty of time to think, being a captive audience to “Sister Nature”.  I also did some research and discovered that in the 18th century prostitutes shaved off their eyebrows and replaced them with false ones made of mouse hair. I very much want to know who thought that was a good idea.

I listened to coverage of The Big East Coast Storm (hello Sandy, goodbye Ike) and endless discussions on the ‘state’ of the nation.  I frowned a lot, at times I feel as if I am searching for coherence with both hands and a miner's lamp.

It turned out that there are no intelligent thoughts, anywhere. This is either because we have used up all our brain cells on inconsequential side issues (the eyebrows of 18th century ladies of the night), or because we are so bashed and battered after four years of financial bad news that we just want to go and hide under the sofa. I may work this up into a theory. It will be called: The Debilitating Effect of Big Numbers. I think we can all agree that this is certainly catchy.

I have spent some time contemplating the minutiae of U.S. fiscal policies.  Normally, I think it's really interesting. Quick, quick, fingers on the buzzers: is that Keynes or Milton Friedman?  But days before the general election I just hope that someone on that big shining hill knows what they are doing.

I do have one question though. I just read the government’s budget figures and the forecast is, well, dismal.

Total national debt as of October 25, 2012  is $16,157,991,000,000.00  (give or take a few bob) and quickly marching towards the Statutory Debt Limit of $16,394,000,000,000.00  The National Debt has continued to increase an average of $3.88 billion per day since September 28, 2007!
The largest slice of the pie, over 40%, is owed to the Federal Reserve, the central bank of the United States, and to other government accounts. The Federal Reserve is actually quasi-public (part private, part government) so calling it "part of the government" is technically not accurate.
The remaining 60% of the Debt is privately held by individuals, corporations, states, and foreign governments. Japan ($580 billion), China ($390 billon) and the United Kingdom ($320 billion) are the biggest foreign holders of our Debt.

No, those are not rounding errors. What is going on? Should this not be a matter of national concern?  This is a number I do not understand. I do not understand it in the same way that I do not understand the fact that if you took away all the empty space in our bodies, the atoms contained in the human frame would fit into a sugar cube. Could everyone just stop boggling my mind for one single moment?

"The budget should be balanced; the treasury should be refilled; public debt should be reduced; and the arrogance of public officials should be controlled." 

Wow, which candidate said that?!
Cicero 106-43 B.C.

Ah well, do not fret, we will balance that budget by 20XX.   I will bet $16 trillion (give or take a few hundred billion) on it.